Have you ever felt like you’re not getting what you need from a relationship with someone you care about deeply? As if much of the focus in your friendship is ensuring that your friend’s needs are being met while your needs often feel overlooked? Or in your romantic relationship, does it feel like your partner just doesn’t seem to get what you are needing?
This may be an indication that it’s time to reflect on how well you are able to communicate your needs within your relationships with the people in your life.
Picture this: You visit your GP’s office, and let them know you’re just coming in for an annual check-up. They do their regular checks, such as your blood pressure, ears and throat check, etc. and they send you back home, having found nothing major needing attention.
Now… imagine you had mentioned to your GP that you’ve been struggling with relentless tummy aches. The kind of tests and checks that your doctor will perform would look different. It would be more focused on the specific area of challenge that you’re experiencing.
Now, apply this metaphor to your relationships. Instead of leaving your needs up to your partner/ friend/ loved one to figure out and figure out on their own, imagine you made them aware of the specific needs you have that are not being met. They would have more insight and be better equipped with the information they needed to focus on that specific area.
The information you communicate with your GP determines what care would be used to assist you. The same applies to your relationships. By inviting them in to get to know what you need you to equip them with the insight they need to take better care of you and nurture a healthier relationship.
Communicating your needs is one of the most important ways to care for yourself.
I used to think it was admirable and noble to place other people's needs before my own however through my work with clients and my own personal experiences, I am realizing how selfless it actually is, to clearly communicate my needs with those I love so that they are able to have insight into what I need to feel supported - and vice versa. Rather than assuming people will know what you need, it is important to practice the skill of directly communicating your needs so that you can create healthy, strong, and mutually reliant relationships that truly last.
How do I begin to communicate my needs?
Before you are able to communicate your needs to another person, it’s important to take some time out to acknowledge what you are needing for yourself first. If you are finding yourself feeling irritated, anxious, or even resentful in any particular relationship in your life right now, those are indicators that you may have some unmet needs within your relationship.
If you’re irritated by a friend who is spending more time with her partner than what she is invested in your friendship, acknowledge these feelings. Think about how this time apart makes you feel: perhaps feeling neglected, unimportant, or even abandoned. The feeling of irritation as well as any other feelings of discomfort could indicate that you’re missing time with your friend and you’re in need of quality time with her. By getting clear on what your needs are, it makes it easier to communicate them clearly.
Clear communication isn’t about getting your way. It's about growing a relationship rooted in respect and communication that reflects the needs of everyone involved.
As far as possible, try to communicate your needs from a place of feeling calm. When you’re communicating what you need (assuming that those needs have not been met), your chat with the other person can easily turn controversial. If you’ve been feeling unsupported, you might also understandably feel resentful, irritated, or even angry that your friend hasn’t been showing up for you the way you need them to.
That being said, it’s not likely that you’ll effectively communicate how you’re feeling or what you need if you try to converse with your friend from that negative headspace. Instead, have an intentional conversation when you’re both calm and prepared to discuss something deeper. Let your friend know what you want to talk about so that they don’t feel blindsided and can perhaps prepare some talking points of their own.
Try to not communicate your needs using a tone of blame. It’s easy to want to blame your friend for every instance that they didn’t or couldn’t give you what you needed. But what if they were dealing with their own issues? What if they didn’t realize you were distant or hurting?
Try to avoid blaming statements if you feel that your loved ones have not yet identified or supported your needs; instead, use “I” statements to take ownership for your feelings. Instead of saying, “You never make time for me.” try telling them: “I feel like I’m not a priority in your life. I need to feel that you want to spend time with me.” This approach empowers you by allowing you to take ownership for the only thing you can really know and control: your own feelings.
Finally, now that you’ve communicated to them what you need, invite them into your internal world by letting them know what they can do for you to feel more supported and cared for by them. Be honest with yourself and with them about the tangible steps that will meet your needs.
Express your willingness to support them too and encourage your loved ones to share their needs with you. In openly expressing your needs, you’ve also shown them that this is a safe and welcoming conversation to have. Let them know that the conversation is two-way and that you are open to receiving requests from them as well.
This is what makes a relationship a relationship after all; it’s the careful dance of managing each other’s needs, supporting each other’s desires, and learning and growing individually and as a unit because of your willingness to hear from and support one another.
Disclaimer: asking for what you need is incredibly difficult, uncomfortable, and vulnerable. I don’t ever want to dismiss how awkward this process can be. In some instances, the people who love and care about you may not have the capacity to give you what you need, and this is painful but it’s okay. They may not be able to hear and understand your needs clearly or provide the changes that you need. Part of self-love and self-care is honouring what you need in spite of the way others may respond to it.
If you are feeling any feelings of shame, guilt, discomfort, or any other unpleasant emotional responses when communicating your unmet needs to your loved one who is not able to meet them, acknowledge those feelings as part of your growing journey. The relationship may not be the space for you to seek support right now (and it does not mean it will always be that way). By knowing that, you’ll be able to spend your energy seeking support elsewhere.
While you cannot control the next person’s responses or emotional experience, you can grow in your own ability to express your needs, and truthfully this is a form of self-care that’s necessary to maintaining healthy relationships with the ones you love.
Comments