Every single one of us feels and experiences emotions. Emotions are a part of everyday life and our human experience. For some, emotions can feel like an overwhelming out-of-control rollercoaster, while for others, emotions can feel like a manageable experience.
Sometimes the emotions we experience are incredibly helpful, like feelings of compassion, sadness, happiness, fear, etc. But at other times, those exact same emotions can be unhelpful. It's at those unhelpful times, that we need to influence our emotions.
From joy and excitement to sadness and anger, learning to manage our emotions empowers us to lead happier, healthier lives.
In this blog post, we'll explore the concept of emotional regulation, its importance, and practical strategies to care for your emotional well-being.
What is emotion regulation?
"Emotion regulation" is a term used to describe a person’s ability to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience.
It involves recognizing and accepting our feelings (referred to as emotional awareness), while also exerting control over their intensity and duration. Effective emotion regulation enables individuals to respond adaptively to situations, maintain emotional balance, and make thoughtful decisions.
While it may not always feel like it, as human beings, we can influence how we experience our emotions. According to psychologist, James Gross, who developed the model of emotion regulation, in order to live lives that are more fulfilling, it's helpful to learn strategies to influence our unhelpful emotions.
Why is emotion regulation important?
Throughout each day, you are unconsciously (and sometimes consciously), using emotion regulation strategies to cope with difficult situations.
Most of us use a variety of emotion regulation strategies and we can apply them to different situations to adapt to the demands of our environment. Some of these are healthy, some are not.
Unlike small children, adults are expected to be able to manage their emotions—especially anxiety and anger—in a socially acceptable manner. When emotional control fails, people often say or do things they later regret and wish they had been able to keep their emotions in check.
To get along with others, we must be able to regulate the emotions we have and how we experience and express these emotions
Emotion regulation plays a crucial role in various aspects of life, including:
Mental Health: Poor emotion regulation is linked to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. By learning to regulate emotions, individuals can reduce psychological distress and enhance resilience.
Relationships: Emotionally regulated individuals are better equipped to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts constructively, and foster healthy relationships. They are also more empathetic and attuned to others' emotions.
Decision-Making: Emotionally regulated individuals make better decisions, as they can think rationally and weigh the consequences of their actions without being overwhelmed by strong emotions.
Where do emotions stem from?
There are different schools of thought in psychology that look at where emotions originate from in different ways.
Drawing from a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy model, it states that our emotions, thoughts, and our behavior are all linked together.
For instance, consider this common example: A friend walks right past you in the passage without acknowledging you (the situation) and you immediately experience feelings, like confusion or disappointment or self-doubt or anger, that turns quickly into a series of thoughts about that event, e.g., “What did I do wrong?” “I’ll bet that she is mad at me for that thing that happened a few weeks ago…” “I am sure it was nothing, I am being oversensitive, she was probably in a hurry somewhere. But still…”).
This initial thought process can lead to intense or mild feelings (e.g., frustration, panic, insecurity) and you may have a strong desire to not be feeling the negative feelings coming up. This desire turns into a behaviour: you do something (e.g., go home and dwell on it; stop communicating with your friend; get a tasty treat to make you feel better or take your mind off it). Sounds familiar?
According to this model, our emotions are triggered by how we think about the situations that we find ourselves in, i.e. how we interpret them. And how we respond to these emotions (our behaviour), can heighten the intensity of those emotions.
It's important to note that we are NOT born knowing how to regulate our emotions. We are taught how to respond to different emotions by observing our caregivers, how they handle their emotions, and how they respond to our emotions.
How can I regulate my emotions in healthy ways?
Emotion regulation refers to the processes that influence the emotions we have, when we have them, and how we experience them. Emotion regulation is a set of skills that can be learned. These skills include:
Being able to identify the emotion you're experiencing, as it's happening
Being able to tolerate different emotions
Being able to influence unhelpful emotions into more helpful emotions
Being able to be less reactive to emotional cues/triggers in the environment
Being able to control your behavioural responses to emotions
First, it starts with Emotional Awareness:
Emotional Awareness refers to a person's willingness to recognize that emotions play a role in the human experience, and their ability to recognize the emotions they experience themselves and of others. In order to regulate your emotions in helpful ways, you have to start by accepting that you do have feelings to begin with, as well as accepting and validating these feelings.
Being emotionally aware requires you to take note of the subtle physical changes that occur in your body when certain emotions are present, AND be able to label these emotions. You need to know which emotions are present before you can change and regulate them.
A great tool to help you check in on these emotions is the Feelings Wheel. I love using this in sessions with clients as it helps to aid the process of naming your emotions. You can check it out here: https://feelingswheel.com/
Once you've named and accepted the emotion, it's helpful to get curious about your internal experience with the emotion in the moment. This is where you can introspect by asking yourself questions such as:
On a scale of 1 - 10, how intensely am I experiencing this emotion?
Where am I feeling this emotion in my body?
What is happening in my body?
Why is this emotion coming up now?
How am I responding to feeling this emotion? What am I doing?
(If you enjoy journalling, Holly Soulie offers 50 self-reflective emotion-focused questions that you can use as prompts at this link: https://hollysoulie.com/how-to-understand-your-emotions/ )
When you've gained a better understanding of what you are feeling and how you are experiencing that emotion, you can now explore how you are expressing that emotion.
We express and release our emotions in different ways. As you are right now, you unconsciously respond to different emotions using different strategies. To regulate the emotions you experience, it's helpful to understand how you automatically respond so that you can determine where you can make helpful changes.
Some common emotion regulation strategies include:
Talking with friends
Exercising
Writing in a journal
Meditation
Breathing exercises
Getting adequate sleep
Paying attention to negative thoughts that occur before or after strong emotions
Noticing when you need a break – and taking it
Abusing alcohol or other substances
Self-harm
Avoiding or withdrawing from difficult situations
Physical or verbal aggression
Excessive social media use
These are some common strategies that I find most people lean on to help them deal with their emotions. I encourage my clients to not judge these strategies as being good or bad but rather try to determine whether they are helpful or unhelpful for their overall well-being.
If you read through this list and noticed that you engage in unhelpful strategies to regulate your emotions, here's what you can do:
Start by taking care of your physical needs. Getting a good night’s rest, eating healthfully, and exercising your body are all essential to being able to feel life satisfaction. We’ve all noticed how much better we can feel after having a good night of restful sleep or after eating a diet of healthy foods. It can be as though we have an entirely fresh perspective on life and it is much easier to overlook the little things that might have annoyed or upset us otherwise.
Engage in activities that build a sense of achievement: Doing one positive thing every day can lead to a sense of achievement and contentment. We can each benefit from paying more attention to the positive events in our lives. The things that bring us joy have been shown to decrease negative moods and increase positive moods.
Changing thoughts is easierthan changing feelings: Thoughts play a critical role in how we experience a situation. When you notice yourself first becoming upset, try to evaluate what you are thinking that is causing that emotion.
What do I do if I try these strategies and I'm still struggling?
Where you're unsure of how to implement the aforementioned strategies, struggling with certain components of it, such as naming your emotions, etc, or want to learn how to navigate complex emotions in a safe space, counselling can be a great source of support.
You're welcome to reach out to me for an online counselling session at info@therapywithkelly.co.za or by booking a session directly on my website here:
You are also welcome to check out other mental health practitioners via Psychology Today at this link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/
Emotion regulation is a fundamental skill for navigating life's challenges with resilience and grace.
By understanding our emotions, accepting them without judgment, and implementing practical strategies for regulation, we can cultivate greater emotional well-being and lead more fulfilling lives.
Remember that mastering emotion regulation is an ongoing process that requires patience, practice, and self-compassion. Embrace the journey towards emotional empowerment!
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